Review: The VelociPastor

In the age of YouTube, parody films are an interesting prospect. Oftentimes they can succeed like gangbusters, while at other times they’re perceived as little more than an overlong video from everyone’s favorite streaming service. A lot of that judgment boils down to two factors: the production quality and just how far the parody elements go. Tropic Thunder, for example, rises above parody in order to tell a fairly engaging, action-filled story. On the other hand you have films like MacGruber and the Scary Movie franchise, which focus more on laughs than on compelling storytelling.

The VelociPastor is more so in the latter category, going very far in its humor to make a joke out of just about every scene. The irreverent plot follows Father Doug Jones (Greg Cohan), who travels to “China” to explore his spirituality after the incredibly silly deaths of his parents. While there, he accidentally cuts himself on a mystical claw relic. He is quickly transformed into something more… not quite velociraptor, not quite pastor, but… well, you know. Soon after, he meets a prostitute with a heart of gold named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) and learns through love and violence that he may just have a higher purpose after all. Also he’s gotta fight him some ninja!

A great silly parody film is truly something magical to behold. Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is probably the greatest example, with its detractors hating it and its fans forming a devoted cult following. Going further back, you’ve got Airplane, UHF, and The Naked Gun, among others. More recently a large number of lower budget films like Black Dynamite and Wolfcop have attempted to lovingly parody exploitation and grindhouse era films. The VelociPastor was produced in a similar but even more low budget vein.

The VelociPastor is not a great silly parody film, but it is quite good at what it does; barring a few stumbles along the way. Its success is rooted in star Greg Cohan, who director Brendan Steere smartly doesn’t ask to wink at the camera. Instead, he delivers a self-serious hero performance that highlights the concept’s inherent silliness. This dry approach allows all of the little gags, such as when he hides a book on crime behind a much smaller book, to get the laughs they deserve. Cohan also bares a striking resemblance to stand-up comedian John Mulaney, which seems like an unfair advantage.

Some of the smaller roles, like Doug’s mentor Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) and exorcist Altair (Aurelio Voltaire), don’t fair quite as well with the self-serious approach due to an unfortunate lack of either direction or acting skills. That’s not to say they’re bad actors (although a case could be made that Voltaire shouldn’t quit his music career), just that they don’t quite stick the landing. It’s not a deal breaker, but it does lift the veil a bit to show off just how low budget this flick really is ($35,000, in case you were wondering).

That budget is a sticking point. While WolfCop proved moderately successful with its million or so Canadian dollars, here we have a film that, well, looks like a YouTube video. Unlike Steere ‘s 16mm short film/trailer that inspired it, VelociPastor is very obviously shot digitally and, based on the jiggly look of its more erratic shots, probably on a DSLR-style micro-4/3 camera. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that (my first film was shot on a Nikon D800 and, well, looks it), but it does require a lot of professional grading to create the visual tone of the films VelociPastor is so intent on sending up. Unfortunately, $35K isn’t going to feed a cast and crew and pay for the necessary film stock and/or Arri rental.

Of course, being a silly parody flick called The VelociPastor, it’s easy to dismiss all of this because it’s just a dumb movie. What’s the fuss? Brendan Steere has been very forthcoming about his disinterest in getting too serious and instead just playing it all for laughs. That’s all well and good, but even the dumbest comedies require a level of production quality as a means of contrast. Black Dynamite and WolfCop just barely succeed in that regard, so to entirely strip this outlandish movie of that contrast is a pretty serious blow to the otherwise delightfully whacked out script.

Speaking of which, Steere’s screenplay, combined with Cohan’s lead performance, does a lot to partially raise the film out of its visual problems. Viewed purely from a storytelling perspective, it’s a win. A win that’s dumber than a bag of hammers, but a win nonetheless. There’s a joyful abandon at play that’s just too fun, and some of the gags — a ninja henchman’s deadpan inner monologue, or the stunning twist regarding a character’s lineage — prove that Steere has a strong grasp on comedy and, with a little more financial influence, could have very well beaten WolfCop at its own game.

My favorite moment of Steere’s filmmaking smarts coming through is the inevitable sex scene, which manages to reuse just about every shot from the movie in a genius way of getting around actual nudity. Elsewhere, the blossoming romance between Carol and Doug is given an oddly tender tone that works very well for such a schlock premise.

There are other times where the gags just don’t work, but they seem to be casualties of the budget. Doug’s raptor claws that appear when he’s transforming are obviously just gloves that you might find in a Halloween store. This kind of dumb humor creates a sort of uncanny valley effect, wherein the viewer is forced to consider that maybe what they’re seeing isn’t a creative decision so much as it is laziness. While I doubt that’s the case, I can’t help but feel like more could have been done to up the ante, despite the budgetary constraints.

Without going that extra mile to really nail the concept, The VelociPastor is still one hell of a good time, and is likely to make for the perfect easy watch in the midst of your next drunken B-movie marathon. Even though I didn’t love it, I still had plenty of good laughs, and for that The VelociPastor earns a hearty recommendation.

Now please, someone give Brendan Steere a budget!