Review: The Christmas Chronicles 2

The Christmas Chronicles 2 (2020) is an action/adventure Christmas film, written by Matt Lieberman and Chris Columbus, and directed by Chris Columbus. The time is Christmas. The place, the Yucatán Peninsula. Kate Pierce (Darby Camp), her brother Teddy (Judah Lewis), and her mother Claire (Kimberley Williams-Paisley) are enjoying some equatorial sunshine on a beach in Cancún, Mexico.

Sounds awesome, right? Unfortunately for Kate, it isn’t so awesome. See, her father is recently deceased, and it seems as if mom is moving on a little faster than Kate is comfortable with. They are in Mexico courtesy of Claire’s new beau Bob (Tyrese Gibson) who has bankrolled this tropical, yuletide excursion. Bob has brought his son Jack (Jahzir Bruno) along for the ride. Bob and Jack are in a similar emotional prison as the Pierce family, as the matriarch of their family is also recently deceased.

During the trip, Kate, who is already on the brink of an emotional collapse, gets pushed past the breaking point, when tickets for a special trip for two mysteriously appear under the door to Bob’s room. Bob plans to take Claire, leaving the rest of this Brady-Bunch-to-be at the resort to celebrate the holiday on their own. Incensed that her mother would dare to even consider being apart from her brood for the holiday, Kate storms off in a fit of rage. She flees to water’s edge, where she appeals to Santa Claus, via the heavens above, to rectify this situation.

Unfortunately for Kate, Santa’s ears were not the only ones to hear her plea. For sitting in a chaise lounge, incognito, is Belsnickel (Julian Dennison), the North Pole’s original fallen angel. Belsnickel is scheming on a sinister plot to dethrone Santa Claus and destroy Christmas forever. Sadly, for fans of Christmas, Kate has just provided Belsnickel with the key to unlock the door to Christmas’ ultimate doom.

Back at the hotel, Kate has reunited with Jack. Teddy is nowhere to be seen, having departed the movie to chase tail within the first five minutes. Belsnickel, disguised as an employee of the resort has offered Kate a ride in his golf cart. Kate, tells Jack to kick rocks, as she is eager to ditch him. Jack agrees. But as Kate rides off with Belsnickel, Jack sneaks onto the back of the golf cart.

As Belsnickel drives the two off into the middle of the jungle, Jack reveals himself to Kate who is incredulous. At this moment, the golf cart starts to speed up, alarming the unsuspecting children. What began as a simple courtesy shuttle has now turned into a real-life re-enactment of the river cruise scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Mel Stuart, 1971). As the kids shit heartily into their pants, Belsnickel launches a grenade looking device off the starboard bow, opening a golf cart sized wormhole in the space-time continuum. He cranks the wheel and pulls up hard on the e-brake. As he does so, Kate and Jack are ejected from the vehicle, flying directly into the gaping maw of the spiraling anomaly, within which, they disappear.

Blackout.

As the fog clears from the heads of Jack and Kate, they discover, much to their dismay, that they are no longer on a beach in Cancún, Mexico, but are in fact, at the North Pole. As frostbite immediately begins to claim their youthful extremities, they become the beneficiaries of serendipitous dividends. None other than Santa Claus (Kurt Russell) himself has intercepted their distress call. Santa, who is at present hunting the legendary Christmas beast, the Yule Cat, immediately discontinues his pursuit. Instead, he hauls ass to the coordinates of the freezing kinder.

By the time Santa arrives, the situation is grim. Never a man to be discouraged by bad news, Santa scoops Kate and Jack up in his sleigh, hitting the high gear for Santa’s village. However, as Santa lowers the barrier that shields Santa’s Village from the frozen tundra of the North Pole, Belsnickel sneaks inside.

What dastardly deeds does Belsnickel have planned for Santa and his Christmas crew? How will Santa react to having human children invading the North Pole? Will either of the children lose any of their limbs to frostbite? And how is it possible that Kurt Russell’s hair looks more amazing than it ever has? All of these questions, except one, but then more, will be answered by the stunning conclusion of… The Christmas Chronicles 2.

I have to question whether or not somebody is slipping me crazy pills without my knowledge, when I watch The Christmas Chronicles 2 in the same week as Mank (David Fincher, 2020), and I actually enjoyed The Christmas Fucking Chronicles 2 more than Mank. Certainly, this is one of the lesser signs of the apocalypse. It is also proof that 2020 will continue to yield surprise after surprise, long after I believe that it has to have blown its wad.

Somehow, despite it not really being that good, this film left me with very little to complain about. And don’t think I didn’t try. Because I did. In spite of this, I found myself laughing with the film, not at it, enjoying it’s various twists and turns, loving Kurt Russell, reflecting on what a treasure Kurt Russell is, and most importantly, not being insulted, nor annoyed by it.

One of the things that I was grateful to The Christmas Chronicles 2 for was its apparent restraint when it came to product placement within the film. This isn’t the kind of thing that comes up very much in my reviews, for in my tenure writing reviews, I’ve been lucky enough to get mostly films that don’t slap you in the face with a commercial for some product that financed the film in some part. When it came to this film, I was rolling my eyes in advance. I mean, how can this thing not just be a total cash grab? I was pleasantly surprised when I was only able to spot two instances of product placement, and they were both brief, and relatively unobtrusive.

Like, I get it. Movies are about making money for the people that pay for them. Unfortunately, they usually need people who aren’t purely profit driven to make them. So even though a product plug in a movie is usually like a fart in a car, I’ve learned to be fairly forgiving about product placement. But then you have movies like that complete piece of shit Mission to Mars (Brian DePalma, 2000), that integrate the whims of their corporate slavemasters directly into the plot of the film. You may or may not recall that it was Dr. Pepper© that was solely responsible for advancing act one into act two. You also may recall that it was M&M’s© that were solely responsible for advancing act two into act 3, in that particular film.

This kind of product placement gets right on my fuckin’ tits. The only thing that has me more incredulous than them thinking we are so stupid that we are fine with that kind of Wall Street throat-fucking, is the fact that Brian DePalma directed that turd. But I digress. The point is, in 2020, an age where the McDisneyfication of American pop-culture is nearing a complete and total stranglehold, for a film such as The Christmas Chronicles 2 to take the slightly higher road, was a bit of a breath of fresh air.

Another thing I’d like to praise this film for is that it was way less annoying than it could have been. Compared to something like How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Ron Howard, 2000), or Elf Bowling the Movie: The Great North Pole Elf Strike (Dave Kim, 2007), The Christmas Chronicles 2 was surprisingly non-grating. Given my druthers, I would have made the elves of Mrs. Claus’ Village sound a little less like Sebulba. However, in a film that could have VERY EASILY been the cinematic equivalent of a dentist’s drill, I was taken aback by this film not being completely fucking stupid, or having all of its characters be bizarre, annoying freaks. I shouldn’t be rooting for the antagonist to succeed in a Christmas film. Fortunately for The Christmas Chronicles 2, neither the heroes nor the villains made me want to shoot myself. So the filmmakers were definitely doing something right.

Okay so, most of the things that I have praised this film for have really been back-handed compliments. I wasn’t being facetious, but I suppose when the bar is so low, it isn’t hard for something to impress, with a modicum of effort. However, there are some elements of this film that were actually impressive.

When it comes to CGI, I am usually over sensitive, and hyper critical. However, despite The Christmas Chronicles 2 being heavily dependent on computer images, They all looked great for the most part, and never once took me out of the film. In fact, there are so many interesting different places that this film goes, I don’t think they could have done it without a shitload of CGI. The good thing is, that all of it looked really good. I really enjoyed how the film kept going places I never would have expected. Kudos to the CGI team for keeping it in the realm of believability.

One more thing I’d like to mention is how I thought all of the actors in this film were very enjoyable. Kurt Russell occupies a strata that is completely unique to himself. Never in a million years would I have thought that Santa Claus is the role I wanted to see him play. And yet here I am, watching The Christmas Chronicles 2 and wishing that Kurt Russell would swoop down from the heavens, Goldie Hawn in tow (I’m a huge Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In fan), with his luscious, silvery mane, and unparalleled machismo, and save the shit out of my Christmas too.

But beyond Kurt Russell’s infinite lovability, everyone in the film is fun. I really enjoyed Hunt for the Wilderpeople (Taika Waititi, 2016), so it was cool to see Julian Dennison get more work. Especially getting to see him in something that is destined to be played on infinite repeat for Christ knows how many children this holiday season, forever burning him into the collective consciousness of an entire generation. Now THAT’S immortality. However, the quality performances don’t stop with these two luminaries. Everyone in the film is ideal for their role. Goldie Hawn, Jahzir Bruno, Darby Camp, Darlene Love, even Malcolm McDowell were all totally fun. Solid casting. Especially for a film that I had basically written off before it had started.

My only beef with the cast was with Tyrese Gibson in the role of Bob. NO disrespect to Tyrese, for he does a perfectly satisfactory job. But for my tastes, it would have been WAY FUNNIER to cast DMX in this role. I genuinely wished that every time Tyrese was on screen, that it could have been DMX instead. Major money left on the table here guys.

So what about the bad? I wrote down a few things, but in retrospect, they seem like nitpicks. Okay well, one thing that did bother me was that Kate and Jack don’t work together enough. At the beginning of the film, we are made aware that Kate’s family and Jack’s family are on the path to become one.

While Jack seems fairly open-minded; dare I say well-adjusted, Kate is highly resistant to this notion. By the end of the film, SPOILER ALERT, Jack and Kate have squashed their beef. Trouble is, I didn’t really feel like they earned it. While they are both instrumental in bringing about Belsnickel’s downfall, they never really have to work closely together to accomplish this goal. Thus, when the film ends, and the two are ready to be related, I just didn’t feel like they went through enough shit together to justify their solidarity. Maybe a minor beef, but I would have liked to see the two of them have to overcome more shit together, and really earn their step-brother/step-sister allegiance.

Other than that, I can’t really bitch too much. While I don’t believe that The Christmas Chronicles 2 is going to be the kind of film that gets repeat viewings, annually at Christmas, I really couldn’t find too much to complain about. It’s no Joyeux Noel (Christian Carion, 2005), Scrooge (Ronald Neame, 1970), or The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t (Rossano Brazzi, 1966), but it was still an enjoyable watch. Colorful, adventurous, funny, cute, and at times clever, The Christmas Chronicles 2 was far more enjoyable than it had any right to be. ESPECIALLY because you already subscribe to Netflix.

If you find yourself in a festive mood, and you are looking for a Christmas film that you haven’t seen a million times before, and that isn’t going to be totally stupid, pandering, annoying, or generated exclusively for the purpose of advertising, The Christmas Chronicles 2 might just be your film. For the adults in the audience, I don’t think it will revolutionize your Christmas habits. However, your kids might love it. And if I were to jump into a time machine, go 50 years into the future, and inquire about what the most classic Christmas films are 50 years from now, humankind could be doing a lot worse than The Christmas Chronicles 2, y’know?

P.S. Think I’m full of shit about the whole Tyrese versus DMX thing I mentioned earlier? Perhaps you should check out this video for DMX’s Party Up (Up in Here), and think about it a second time. And if you still think I’m full of shit, watch this video a second time, and have a third think about it. I’m confident you’ll come around.